Bipolar, Misc, Sex

Less Stress

A lot has changed recently. I finally left my job of 2 1/2 years that Master absolutely hated me working at. I tried to leave once before, last year. But the job I left for had promised a bunch of things that they just didn’t live up to and so I had to go back. It was more like a vacation from the job than anything. I think it was only about a month? Anyway, I knew I wanted to leave and I found a job that offered to match my pay (pay was a big deciding factor as we can’t afford for me to make less than what I was.) so I took it. I have been at my new job for three weeks now and each week I have worked 50 hours with only one day off each week. Next week is 49 hours with only one day off, that day being Thanksgiving. I truly enjoy my new job and am actually already being considered for a supervisor position. Even though I am working a lot more hours and have one day off less a week I am less stressed out. As a result I am not so bitchy when I am home.

Things actually feel like they are going in a better direction for a change.

My landing strip is growing in nicely. Unfortunately given our work schedules there hasn’t been much time for fun. We have done back rubs that have turned into sex and that’s pretty much it. I am not complaining. Not like the sex was bad although I haven’t been allowed to cum. But as long as He is pleased I am happy.

But it would be nice to have a day off together where we could have some play time. A spanking maybe? Sometimes those can feel therapeutic. Not just for me, but for Him as well.

I have not yet found a new shrink that is willing/able to take me on as a patient. But I will get it figured out. Even if I do have to see my old shrink again just to get through I guess. As much as I don’t want to. But it is either that or I don’t have any medication.

Master is working 7 days straight this week. His job is extremely physical so He has been in a lot of pain and very tired.

I wish we could afford a vacation. Actually I wish we could afford to go back to where we went on our honeymoon. And not just for a couple of nights. Like a good three or four nights. But that is a lot of money that we just don’t have. Not to mention having to take the time off of work and figuring out who would take care of the animals while we were away, etc. and so on.

Things are less stressful since I left my old job but I still feel like we need a break. We went out of town two years ago for a weekend and it was so nice and we felt a lot better when we got back.

 

 

Sex

Frustrated

Master wanted me to dress up last night. He had taken a nap during the day and I had the day off work so we both stayed up way later than we normally do. At one point we went in the living room and we were watching Netflix. It was extremely late for us these days. We are both normally in bed before 10pm. By the time the second episode was done it was midnight and Master had fallen asleep on the couch again. (He has had very long days at work and been very sore and tired so I more than understood.)

He had been verbally teasing me throughout the evening prior to this so once He woke up on the couch and turned everything off I asked if He still wanted me to dress up. He said no, that it was too late and that we were just going to go to bed. I was a bit revved at the time but I understood. As I said it was very late.

Then today I asked Him if He wanted to fool around before He went to bed. (We both have to get up long before dawn tomorrow to go to work.) He said sure, but we didn’t get very far. Master said the chemistry wasn’t lining up. We had already done some foreplay so I was very revved up and ready to go so when it got cut off like that I was… bitchy, for lack of a better word.

I know it happens. Hell, it has happened to me. Things are going fine and then something feels off and my system just kind of turns off. I get it. And normally I don’t get that bitchy. So.. what the fuck me?

I had a hell of a time calming down. Still now fully calmed down two hours later.

Master more than didn’t appreciate my attitude after the fact. I feel bad for being so bitchy about it. Sexual frustration is a bitch but shit happens. It isn’t like He did it on purpose. Like I said, such things happen. It isn’t like we can’t try again tomorrow.

*sigh* My attitude about it after the fact only made things worse and made the night end on a sour note before He went to bed. My reaction to the situation was poor and unwarranted.

I am hoping that tomorrow will be better. We both work, as I said, so we won’t see each other until after 2pm but hopefully my mood has improved greatly by then and Master isn’t too upset with me.

In other news…

He has me growing a landing strip again. For some reason, on and off throughout the years He will have me grow in a landing strip rather than shaving myself bare. I personally prefer it bare, but it isn’t about my preference. I forgot the first time after He told me when I went to shave because a lot is going on right now. He understood and forgave me for that mistake. I remembered the second time and now I just have to be patient and let it grow in while I continue to shave the rest.

I don’t get it though because when it comes to just shaving the hair seems to grow in so quickly but when it comes time to actually allow a section of it to grow in fully it seems to take forever.

Sex

Naughty

Master and I have been together for a long time. Some people wonder how we have made it this far and how we are still so in love and in lust with one another. To be honest, it wasn’t love at first sight. It was lust for sure. We were actually only going to be a one night stand, which turned into us being fuck buddies, which turned into both of us catching feelings for one another at the same time. I admitted my feelings first and then He admitted His. The rest, as they say, is history. Two years after that we got engaged and started living together and two years after that we got married. We have been together for 14 years now and married for 10 of them.

But even after all this time we still lust after one another.

For example, lately we have been sending each other nudes via our phones when we aren’t home together. I have been guilty of sending them to Him while I am at work by sneaking off to the bathroom. I have also sent Him some before I go to bed so that He has something to wake up to in the morning.

And when He is at home (He has never sent me one from work) while I am at work He will send me one to cheer me up. He has even gone so far as to send me videos while I am at work. Thankfully when it is a video He will send me a text first telling me to make sure I am alone first before I hit play.

Both of our bodies have changed over the past 14 years. How could they not, right? But one thing that is just as true today as it was over 14 years ago is that if I were single and we didn’t know each other, I would have tried to hook up with Him just as much now as I did back then.

He is sexy as hell and turns me on just as much now as He did back then. If anything He turns me on more now because we know each others bodies so well. We have both explored every inch of one another repeatedly.

There weren’t any nudes yesterday, although we had been teasing each other with nudes on and off all week. But the sex yesterday? Absolutely out of this world. My orgasms were strong as hell. And His seemed to last forever as well.

He ate me out and normally I need fingers inside me (or a toy.. whatever…) in order to get off from that. Not from a lack of effort, it is just my body and how it is wired I guess. But yesterday, my orgasm hit me out of nowhere and that was just from His tongue. He has been doing that more lately. I sometimes wonder if He is trying to make me cum without His fingers just to see if He can because He knows that nine times out of ten I need them.

The sex was so damn amazing that both of us had problems walking afterwards. Gotta love that.

And honestly it helped my mood a lot too. Having sex releases certain hormones into your body. Said hormones actually help stabilize me. Weird right? *shrugs* I wonder if that is why my sex drive is so high sometimes. My body needing those natural drugs flooding my system.

Misc

Down

I have decided to request four days off in a row at work. I have done it in such a way that it won’t effect the paycheck since I don’t get paid time off. I am hoping I can use those days to not only rest and relax but also I am hoping that Master’s schedule will line up a little bit so that we can have more time together. I have to work six days in a row before it begins but it will be worth it if the timing works out well with His schedule.

We went out to dinner together for the first time last night in what feels like forever. It was really nice. It wasn’t anything fancy, but we aren’t fancy people. It was relaxing and it was much needed. Going out to dinner last night helped me feel less stressed out though. I think it helped Master as well.

I feel like utter shit lately. I have suffered from escezma for most of my life but it has always been manageable. Now, out of nowhere it has started on my face, just under my eyes and just above my eyes. It hurts beyond belief and thankfully I have found a way to tame it down but then as soon as I get that figured out I start a damn cold sore. I haven’t had one in almost a year so at least that much and I caught it rather early so it isn’t as bad as it could be but I am always so paranoid about them.

Master has been working a lot more than normal and so He is much more sore and tired than usual. He isn’t complaining and I have actually been able to meet Him on His lunch breaks a couple of times which has been nice.

I feel like I am on a downswing but just a slight one and I am sure it is because of the health shit that is going on.

I am hoping that taking the four days off will not only help me feel better and lessen the stress a bit but also give me more time with my Master.

During those four days I am going to do my best to focus on positive things so that maybe my mindset will turn around and Master and I can connect on a deeper level than we have been able to with how our days have been going lately. By then the cold sore should be gone and hopefully the escezma will have tamed down as well.

Everything just seems to be happening at one time and that doesn’t help.

I have been wanting to just run away and hide for like a month. Sometimes I don’t think I was meant to be an adult although outwardly I seem pretty good at it. I hold down a job, pay my bills, blah blah blah.

But I know my mind is my own worst enemy. Thankfully my Master is very supportive and loves me very much. Although honestly, I feel more like a burden than anything lately because of everything that is going on.

Sex

Why?

It has been unseasonably hot lately. We still have the air conditioning on for fucks sake. Although one thing that Master is enjoying about it still being so hot is that I still lounge around naked.

Well, the other day we were in the bedroom just sitting and talking. I was naked because I was warm from having just gotten off of work about a half hour before hand. Master excuses Himself from the room for a moment and when He comes back He strips down and then pushes me onto my stomach on the bed.

He licks me for a little while so that I get wet before He positions Himself so He can enter me. He wasn’t rough at all. But He hit my cervix, which He has done thousands of times before. Normally I am just tender or sore afterwards and I am fine.

But this time it was different. It was an immediate sharp pain. I said something and He slowed back down. The pain subsided and I said I was okay. So He continued. However, after the fact I had the most horrible cramps. It got to the point where I had to go soak in a hot bath (on a 90 degree day) so that the heat would help the cramping.

But that didn’t last long because I got too hot between the bath water and it being hot in the bathroom and I got dizzy. So I had to carefully get out of the bathtub and then go lay down and pop two Advil and ride it out. It took a good hour or two for it to go away enough for me to even remotely relax.

Master was just as confused as I was as to why it happened. He figured I was maybe due for my period soon but I still haven’t gotten it and this was almost a week ago. Unfortunately it is basically impossible to predict my periods lately as they have been all over the place.

So, since I haven’t gotten my period yet I am starting to wonder if that isn’t the cause. And if it isn’t, what the fuck is? That has never happened before unless He has been extremely rough. And of course, I know the cause then. But this time made no sense what so ever.

I don’t really see the need to go to a doctor. Maybe it was just the right spot? I have no idea. If it happens more frequently then I will of course go because I have already had pre-cancerous cells and had to have a procedure done to take care of that but that was over ten years ago.

We haven’t had sex since then. It has been even hotter than it was that day and we have both been tired as fuck.

 

 

Dynamic

All Work And No Play

I enjoy working an extremely early first shift because I get out of work so early. Master works an even earlier first shift and He enjoys it for the same reason. However, having to go to bed so damn early sucks for both of us.

We are both naturally night owls. Always have been. So it seems like all the fun stuff happened late at night in regards to sex and dynamic play. But both are far and few between because we both have to go to bed so early and our days off have not been lining up in regards to both of us being able to stay up late. As a a result there hasn’t been any play what so ever but there thankfully has been some really great sex lately.

I wonder if Master would be interested in seeing if we could both request a couple of specific days off together so that we know our “bed times” will line up for a change and we can have some fun.

I think I need a spanking. Not one for punishment. But one to center myself. I got one a few months ago and it seemed to help. I don’t think I could take it right now as I am in a lot of pain from messing up my shoulder and neck today but in the very near future would be nice.

Honestly the thought didn’t even pop into my head until I started doing this post. Part of me wants to receive a spanking with His bare hands and another part of me wonders if the belt should be used. The bare hands option is more intimate which is why I normally prefer it. Well, that and the fact that the belt was almost always used as a punishment. But the markings last longer from a belt and sometimes the markings are more satisfying than the act itself.

I wonder if anyone else finds that to be true or if it is just me.

Pain in such an odd thing. At least in my case.

For instance, I am in a lot of pain right now. However, it is not fun. I do not find it to be a turn on. My neck and shoulder are screaming at me and I don’t really want to move but it hurts almost just as much to just sit still.

But, if Master is inflicting pain through a spanking or biting, etc. I get wet as hell. Niagara Falls doesn’t have anything on me at that point. Trust me, He makes sure to comment on that every time. Especially if it starts off where I am not “ready to go” yet but He starts biting me or choking me as He is shoving His cock in me and BAM… instant wetness.

Hell, there have been times where my brain is telling me that “Mother fucker this hurts I want it to stop…” but my body is like.. “Well hello there….”

My body wins every time… *laughs* It makes no sense.

But I think a spanking and some extended play time would help a lot. Not only me, but I think it will help Master as well. Our life is very much bland right now. We are stuck in the day to day routine rut. Go to work. Watch TV. Take care of animals. Eat dinner. Go to bed.

People are creatures of habit to begin with so it is easy to slip into that. We’ve done it before and we pulled ourselves out of it. We just need to pull out of this one too. Hopefully figuring out my medication will help as well.

 

Bipolar, Marriage, Submission

Brand New

So, this is a brand new blog. I have no idea why I wanted to make a new one… or if I should.

Maybe a fresh start? I’ll just roll with it for now and see where it goes.

Anyway… I am 34 years old. I have been married to my Master for ten years and we have been together for fourteen years. I am bipolar. Our dynamic has been a part of our relationship since almost the beginning.

I am not doing so well. My medications for my bipolar disorder do not seem to be working anymore. I cannot up the dose of either medication as we have tried that in the past and the side effects are absolutely horrible. I am thinking we need a different medication all together but I am scared as to what will happen. Will it work? What are the side effects? But when the status quo isn’t working, what other option do you have really?

I am not stable. It is effecting literally every aspect of my life right now. My day to day, my work, my dynamic, my marriage. I feel like screaming some days. I feel like crying others. Sometimes both at the same time. Not that long ago I thought about checking myself in but didn’t. All they would do is dope me up and send me on my way.

I am second guessing myself a lot. Is this rational? Is this actually happening or am I feeling like this just because I am not centered?

For instance, over the past couple of days I feel a distance between myself and my Master. But I don’t know if that distance is real or if it is in my head. Am I being distant? Is He? Is He being distant in response to my being distant? Is there no distance at all and I am just feeling like this for no reason? Maybe I am just over analyzing things and that is why I think it is there?

I had a panic attack at work last week. That was fun.

There are times where I just want to be left alone. I don’t want to talk. I don’t want to interact with anyone or anything. There are times where I feel myself shutting down but at least I can feel it happening and I force myself to snap out of it eventually. Sometimes it takes longer than others. I know that shutting down isn’t healthy even though it seems like the easiest thing to do sometimes.

It happened at work not that long ago. There are people I work with who talk a lot. And I was extremely quiet one morning. All I did was talk to customers. I am still able to flash on that customer service bullshit and then turn it right back off again, so at least I can still do my job. The coworker started asking questions so I forced myself to stay in a chatty mood to avoid further questioning.

I know my doctor told me that as I got older my bipolar disorder would get worse. Well, here I am in my mid-thirties and if this is what it is like now I am scared as to what it will be like further on down the road.

My thoughts can get so dark. So very dark. And what really sucks is when those dark thoughts actually start to feel comforting. Because that sensation is addictive. It is a self servicing cycle that is extremely hard to break once it begins and so I do my best to not let it start snowballing.

But hey, at least I am still rational enough to realize that right?

Some days I feel like myself. Other days I feel like a burden. I feel crazy. I feel like I am damaging my marriage.

I need to get this under control so I can be the wife and slave I need to be rather than what I am now.

I want to be the slave I was when my medication was working flawlessly. I loved being her. I don’t like who I am right now. I can’t stand my damn self sometimes. But aside from a medication change I do not know how else to change as I do not seem to be in full control.

So this blog will be a journey through my mind. I plan on focusing more on my submission to my Husband on future posts but right now I felt some explanations were needed and so here it is.